I knew that the birth of my baby girl would bring about a new transformative period in my thought process and path and I wanted to discover why I went through life the way I did. Why my mother and I don’t get along and how I can avoid this unfortunate pattern with my own daughter. What I discovered has been not only astoundingly insightful but also extremely therapeutic. What my spiritual discovery revealed was also saddening. My eyes welled with tears when I came to the conclusion that I have much left to do for my own karma and spiritual evolution if I hope to reap the benefits of my natal promise.
It is because of this sudden awareness that I will now work on holding myself to a higher standard because with great power comes great responsibility and, as they say, if you know better you do better.
No one said growth would be easy nor did they say when it should be done, only that it should. So now I’m embarking on a journey that has created a road I have never traveled before. True forgiveness.
This isn’t to be the type of typical forgiveness I resent in most people. The fake “I forgive you, not for you, but for me” rhetoric that is so common and prematurely spat out by people who really don’t forgive or understand why they’re forgiving in the first place. To everyone it sounds good; it even racks up a few ‘likes’ and ‘reposts’ points on social media, but it isn’t genuine. These testimonies are just temporary band-aids. They aren’t even said in peace, they are instead announced when one is extremely upset, egotistical, or downtrodden, but it is never mentioned in peace. No one looks in the mirror to forgive themselves; how stupid and naive they’ve been in their lives, how short-sighted and selfish. How then can we have the capacity or understanding for forgiveness if we haven’t forgiven the slights we’ve caused ourselves?
Forgiveness is an Earth-sized blanket. If you truly have it in you, then it works for everyone and everything. It covers all aspects of life. It is also one of the hardest things to do without deep contemplation and meditation, thus most forgiving acts are superficial unless great sorrow precedes it. Because, like most things that elevate and transform the soul, the act of forgiving hurts. Hurts like fuck. It is the total dissolution of ego and pride. If it feels like a defeat, it’s not true forgiveness (and right now it still feels like defeat). If it feels like an awakening into a dream, that’s where the freedom exists. I suppose if I’m doing it right.
Once you become objectively aware forgiveness follows and when it doesn’t you have to reset and start over. And it will always start with the self
So I begin with myself. Every ache I feel will be addressed. Every slight and transgression I ever caused will be analyzed. Every moment of despair will be explained so that I may get to the root of what’s hidden and unknown in my own perception and the lacks that influence my pain. I am this way because of the people I refuse to forgive and that group also includes myself. I am this way because these are the people I also refuse to give thanks to.
I want to understand why I must thank you all for being cruel and unjust. I want to learn how to be comfortable thanking myself for being weak and depressed. To be grateful because now I have the opportunity to learn how to forgive for the sake of everyone I encounter, the relationships I enter into and the children I’m raising. I’m going to learn how to forgive you, not for you or for me, but for us…no matter how long it takes.
How hard is it for you to forgive people? Are some people just not worthy of forgiveness? Who have you forgiven?